


Faking Your Death is Not a Proper Response

by GriffinRose



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Fake Character Death, Gay Disaster Keith (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), Gen, Obsessive Behavior, Poor Life Choices, Stalker, coffee shop AU, from an OC don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 13:14:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20192878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GriffinRose/pseuds/GriffinRose
Summary: Keith accidentally accepts a date from a girl. Getting out of it is harder than he thought. And then the girl still won't leave him alone, so obviously the only logical plan is to fake his death.





	Faking Your Death is Not a Proper Response

**Author's Note:**

> I don't remember the inspiration for this anymore but I thought it was funny so here enjoy.

There weren’t many people in the shop, but the whole crew was there anyway. Lance was slacking and sitting at Keith’s table, flipping through his sketchbook. Normally this would have had the other boy freaking out and lunging across the table, but today Keith was more involved in his phone.

After pointedly flipping another page and glancing up for Keith’s reaction, Lance slammed the book shut and put it on the table. “Stop ignoring me!”

Keith looked up and raised a brow. “I always knew you were a cat.” And then he looked back at his phone.

Lance could feel his nerves twitching. “Seriously, what are you doing on that thing?”

“There’s this app called ‘texting’ that lets you communicate with other people.”

Lance’s initial reaction was to groan and slam his forehead on the table, but then he jerked up and looked around at everyone in the shop. “Who the hell are you texting, all your friends are here!”

“Surprise, but I do actually know people besides just you guys,” Keith said. His fingers flew across his keyboard.

“Like who?” He could have waited for a reply, but Lance found it easier to grab the phone out of Keith’s hand before he saw it coming and scroll through the message board.

“Hey!”

“Oh my god,” Lance said, eyes widening as he kept reading. “Oh my god you have a date!”

“It is not a date!” Keith said, his face flushing.

“Keith has a date?” Shiro asked from behind the counter. His involvement prompted the others to pay attention to them.

“No!” Keith said.

“Keith, she literally asked you to dinner.”

“As friends!”

“Let me see,” Shiro said, putting his cleaning rag down and holding a hand out for the phone. Lance handed it over, and Pidge was quick to scurry up onto the counter and look over Shiro’s shoulder. “Keith, I know you’re oblivious, but this definitely sounds like a date.”

“She’s even flirting with you through the whole thing!” Pidge cackled.

“No she’s not!”

Lance jumped over the counter and started reading the messages, using his best sultry voice. And with the new perspective his friends provided him, Keith finally put the pieces together.

“Shit I agreed to go on a date with her.”

“Way to go!” Shiro said.

“Don’t cheer this is a disaster!” Keith said.

“Uh, why? You got a date before Lance,” Pidge said.

“Hey! Rude.”

“Guys, you’re forgetting a very important detail about me,” Keith said, crossing his arms over his chest. “_I’m gay_.”

Silence met his words for thirty seconds. And then they were all cackling so hard a few customers actually left the shop.

“This isn’t funny!” Keith said. “What am I going to do?”

Shiro finally handed him his phone back. “Probably better if you’re honest with her.”

“Yeah, probably,” Keith muttered. This was quickly ranking as one of his more embarrassing moments in life. He sent Cathy another text, saying _Hey, so this is really awkward. I didn’t realize you were asking me on a date and. well. I’m gay._

He couldn’t even look at his friends while he went back to his table, his face still red.

He got a response only a few minutes later. _What??? No way! You’re just saying that : ( Most people at least wait until after the first date before trying to dump me_.

Oh quiznak what fresh hell had he unleashed upon himself.

Xx

In the end, he agreed to go through with the date, much to the amusement of all of his friends. The date plans changed from a fancy dinner to just hanging out at the mall and doing some shopping, which the rest of the crew found to be a better alternative. (It was easier to follow him and spy on the date in a mall, which was why they suggested it to Keith in the first place).

They set themselves up in strategic locations, camera phones ready and walkie-talkie headsets set to the same frequency.

“Pidge, can I ask why you had these headsets?” Hunk asked.

“I mean you can,” Pidge replied. “But you probably don’t want to know the answer.”

“Oh, I see them!” Allura said. “Keith is carrying her bags, how sweet! And she’s wrapped around his arm!”

“Pics woman!” Pidge demanded.

“Hold your horses!”

The picture was sent to their group chat, “Keith’s Awkward Hetero Date.”

“Oh, that is really sweet,” Hunk said. “Too bad that boy is so, so gay.”

“How did we all forget that the other day?” Shiro asked.

“Uh oh, they’re going into Hot Topic,” Lance said. “Should I stop them?”

“No!” Everyone yelled.

“We must not be seen!” Allura said.

“Geez, fine, we’ll just let that poor girl experience just how emo Keith really is.”

“You know he isn’t actually emo, right?” Shiro asked. “I feel the need to point that out.”

“If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,” Lance started.

“Doesn’t that end “it must be a chicken?”” Hunk asked.

“Shush. Oh, they’re leaving the store. And they have another bag…the girl is reaching into the bag! What was her name again?”

“Cathy,” multiple people replied.

“What’s she pulling out?” Allura asked.

“Please tell me they’re cat ears,” Pidge said.

“I can’t see…looks like some kind of bracelet? Hang on, I’m gonna get a closer loo-oh shit Keith heard me!”

“Abort mission!” Pidge yelled.

There was minor panic within that mall as random people burst from behind pillars or potted trees and sprinted for the exit.

Xx

Keith was not as mad about them tailing the date as they’d expected.

Allura topped off his hot chocolate for the fifth time anyway. “You’re sure there are no hard feelings?”

“Seriously, it’s not like I was expecting anything to come out of the date,” Keith said. “As long as I get to go on the next spying adventure.”

“You’re implying that we’ll be following someone else’s date,” Pidge said.

“I vote for Shiro and Allura!” Lance said.

Both Allura and Shiro smacked the back of his head.

Keith’s phone rang and he sighed. “Besides, you didn’t even scare her off.”

“You didn’t even check who it was,” Hunk said.

“You’re all right in front of me and clearly not texting me. She’s also been texting me every ten fucking minutes.”

“You did tell her you were gay, right?” Allura asked.

“Multiple times,” Keith said. “She still tried to kiss me at the end of the day.”

“You didn’t tell us that!” Lance shrieked.

“Weren’t you following me?”

“We all bolted once Lance’s cover was blown,” Pidge admitted.

Keith nodded, and his phone went off again.

“What does she even want?” Hunk asked.

“I don’t think she understands that me being gay means I’m not interested in her like that.”

“Have you explained it?” Shiro asked.

“Yes!”

“Man that is like the opposite of a problem,” Lance said, folding his hands behind his head. “Girls chasing after you is the dream.”

“You can have her!” Keith said, pulling out his phone and throwing it at Lance. “Just get her off my back, please!”

Lance snickered and looked through the phone, reading the girl’s messages. His eyes widened the further up he went. “Holy Quiznak, she really is obsessive isn’t she.”

Keith put his head on the table and groaned “Make her go away!”

His phone went off again. Lance read it out loud. “She said she’s going to come by the coffee shop and see if you’re here.”

“She’s _what?_” Keith demanded, shooting up. He grabbed his bag, downed the rest of his chocolate and snatched his phone from Lance’s hand. “GottogoseeyouathomeShiro!”

He was out the door in thirty seconds flat.

“That…was impressive,” Hunk said.

“How long do you think it’ll take this girl before she gives up?” Pidge asked.

Xx

The answer, in Keith’s opinion, was not soon enough. He spent a week flat out telling her he didn’t want to see her, which she seemed to think was a great joke. He even tried sending her dick picks he found online, hoping that if he acted like enough of a rude fuck boy she’d run off, but she responded in kind and he regretted that hasty decision for days. Cathy thought it meant he wanted to sext.

She sent him another message, asking if he wanted to go shopping again, and his head hit the table of the coffee shop. “I can’t take this anymore!”

“Cathy again?” Shiro asked.

“She just won’t take a hint!” Keith wailed.

Lance chuckled. “Might as well accept it dude, you’re not escaping her until you die.”

Shiro genuinely worried at the spark of idea that lit up in Keith’s eyes. “Keith…”

Keith lunged to the counter and shoved the phone in Shiro’s face. “Tell her I’m dead, please!”

“That is not going to solve your problems,” Shiro stated, pushing the phone away. “What if she sees you?”

“Then I will conveniently have a twin brother or something, just, please?”

“Keith, no,” Shiro said. “You should at least try blocking her number or something—“

The phone went off again, demanding an answer from Keith. “Shiro.” Keith jumped over the counter and fell to his knees, hands up in a prayer before him. “Shiro please.”

“Oh my quiznak he is actually begging,” Pidge said. Her phone was out in record time snapping multiple pictures, sending them all to the group chat.

Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose. Customers were staring now, and he could hear Lance choking on his suppressed laughter behind him. “Alright, fine, give me the phone. But don’t blame me when this blows up in your face.”

“Thank you thank you thank you!” Keith hugged Shiro tightly and handed over the phone, watching as Shiro typed out a very well-worded text about how Keith had tragically died in a car accident that morning and would therefore be unable to go shopping again. “That was perfect, thank you!”

He should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.

Cathy started spamming his phone, calling him a liar and a coward. Then she threatened to prove it and said she was on her way to the coffee shop right then and there.

Keith again cleared out in under thirty seconds.

“Where do you think he goes when he takes off like that?” Lance asked.

“Who knows?” Pidge shrugged. “I’m more interested in where he met Cathy in the first place.”

“You know, that is an excellent question,” Lance said.

Xx

After a few days of a silent phone, Keith thought he was in the clear and he risked coming back to the shop again. Things went back to normal, until Hunk came in with a delivery and a panicked face. “Shit, Keith, you’re here? Cathy’s like right outside!”

“What?” The closest hiding place was behind the counter, and he wasted no time grabbing his stuff and diving head first over it.

“Hey, customers aren’t allowed back here!” Lance said.

“Shut up!” Keith said, scooting back and making himself as small as possible.

Cathy came in and ordered, taking her time about it and leaning on the counter. Keith thought for sure his heartbeat was going to give him away.

Lance kept her attention though and even made up a lie about the store closing early that day, so she’d have to take her iced chai to go.

She agreed easily enough, and was gone two minutes later.

Keith did not leave his hiding place for two hours.

Xx

There were three more close calls like that. The crew had taken to calling them Code Brown on account of Cathy’s brown hair, and they had all taken several pictures of Keith hiding like a little kid.

When a month went by without a single Code Brown or a text from the girl, Keith allowed himself to hope. And then two months went by and he let himself breathe. By the end of the third month, they were able to look back at it all and laugh.

It was also amusing to watch Keith’s reaction whenever they shouted Code Brown. No matter where he was or what he was doing, he instantly hid, which led to some other blackmail worthy moments. (The group favorite was him in a trash can)


End file.
